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Consulting the Google
We live in a culture that has lost some of the mystical connections that helped our ancestors deal with life's mysteries. We don't seem to have the kind of everyday oracles routinely consulted for answers in earlier times. We all know Tarot Cards are just an interesting parlor game, and we've moved way beyond tea leaves because we only buy them in little bags. Even the magic eight-ball just doesn't do it for most of us.
But some of my friends on the social networking internet site Facebook have recently developed a trend that harkens back to the days of oracles. They've been "consulting the Google."
Here's how it works: Go to the internet search engine Google. For your search prompt, type your first name and the word "needs" with quotation marks around the whole thing. Hit enter.
Supposedly, the Google will give you clues that allow you to examine your life and determine what you need. As one of my Facebook friends put it, "The Google knows all." This cyberspace oracle seems promising, so I thought I give it a try.
Here's what happened when I consulted the Google:
The Google says: John needs thirteen bottles of water from the store.
Not a good start for this oracle, considering I'm cutting down plastic bottle purchases to help the environment. I have a couple of stainless steel bottles that I wash and reuse, so I don't think I've gotten thirteen bottles of water form the store in the past three years.
The Google says: John needs help.
Help with what? I'm the type who tries to avoid asking for help. Of course, we all need help now and then, but can we have some specifics here? Maybe I should examine my life a bit deeper to see the areas where I need to ask for help. Or maybe Google is ... gasp ... wrong.
The Google says: Big bad John needs a hug.
Well, who doesn't need a hug? My wife Betsy takes care of that need for me extremely well. But what's up with this "big bad" stuff? A little research revealed that this Google hit references Senator John Cornyn (R-Texas), a guy I wouldn't hug even wearing a haz-mat suit.
The Google says: John needs, John wants, John gets.
In my experience, the first two are not sometimes connected with the third. But there seems to be an essential step missing between "wants" and "gets." That step is, "John works like a maniac for years."
The Google says: John needs a plumber, but not every John needs a plumber.
This one is from October 2008 and refers to John McCain's need for Joe Wertzelbacher, aka, "Joe the Plumber," the Ohioan who labeled Barack Obama a socialist and said his election would lead to the death of Israel, among other idiotic comments. McCain got an initial bump from invoking this "average" Joe in one of the presidential debates, saying Obama's tax plans would cripple Joe's plan to buy the plumbing business where he worked. A few days of media research discovered that Joe was not a licensed plumber, would have benefited greatly from Obama's tax plan, and owed significant back taxes in Ohio. Joe subsequently ditched McCain at a campaign rally and showed his true ignorance in a round of talk show appearances. Senator McCain's campaign was exposed as a series of gimmicks, and his policies revealed to be the same ones that got the country into its economic and foreign policy mess. In the long run, Joe probably earned more votes for Obama than for McCain. (Coincidentally, my father was a plumber--a real one—a fact the Google didn’t predict.)
The Google says: John Needs, Australia.
There's a guy named John Needs who lives in Australia. Who knew? G'day Mr. Needs.
The Google says: John needs your bone marrow.
At first glance, this statement seemed like a ghoulish personal threat, especially with the specific reference to "your bone marrow," like a vampire in need of your blood. A closer look revealed this to be a different John, a John in need of a transplant, and I hope he gets the bone marrow he needs. I'd consider being tested to see if I'm a match, but they're only looking for folks who share John's Polish/Ukrainian heritage. My German/Irish background just won't do it. I also hope--quite selfishly--that the Google is not a true oracle for my future with this prediction.
The Google says: John needs charisma.
Well thanks, smarty-pants Google. You're not the most exciting individual yourself, just sitting there in my computer doing nothing but searching for stuff and pretending to be an oracle. I've been known to charm a reluctant student into giving some extra effort, and I've even been charismatic enough to evoke a scattering of applause when I give presentations to the local Rotary Club. I have plenty of charisma--a subtle brand of charisma, no doubt, but charisma is charisma. In any case, that's what I plan to keep telling myself.
The Google says: John needs to get his patootie back here.
Where should I get my "patootie" back to? Back to a time when people consulted oracles? Back to childhood? Back to the '80s when I was thinner and had brown hair? Back to last night, when I forgot to brush my teeth before going to bed? Back to an hour ago, when I signed out of Facebook? Back to real work, which I've been avoiding by writing this? Back to the local Rotary Club for another round of applause? (It's a mystery.)
The Google says: John needs a Yoko.
I'm very happy with a Betsy instead, thank you.
Overall, consulting the Google did very little for me as a potential oracle to lead me to the answers to life's most pressing questions. Consulting the Google is a nice gimmick, a thought-provoking coincidence-generator--but little better than a magic eight-ball. Instead, I'll stick with the best oracle available. It's the one that takes the most hope and work, but that's okay with me. To help me plumb the depths of what "John needs," I need to stick to rational thought.
To help any of my fellow "Johns" who consult the Google, I'll spell it out here so it pops up in their search:
The Google says: John needs to stick to rational thought.
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